Chaos in the Mind

Well, this post has nothing to do with Mr China's work or whatsoever, more of the confusion he had been facing, with life, work , family, dreams , reality........ its basically a contracdiction. Life's pretty much ironic and a blur.

Mr China now has some days off to think and to ponder , to rumble through his thoughts and arrange them in a good order.... if he can and if its possible in the first place.

Had a great afternoon nap over the wkend before awoken by his cousin's usual noises, they come over on sat.... he lay on bed and watch the fan turn, he got a feeling that he couldnt describe, then ........ he felt that the china experience seems like yesterday and a dream. His position, his work , his life in China doesnt seem real. His family and all is what of value to him. But he must..... he must... to go back and complete his task. There is an urge in him, a defiant spirit within that doesnt like to lose. He wants to win and do a good task there... but the odds are stacked against him there....... that makes it ever more challenging....

He has a lot in his mind, things to be done in China , almost everything , from the top to the bottom, everything is staring at him , deadline is near and he has so many things to fulfill, but he still chose to pursuit his personal interest first. Isnt him abit selfish? haiz.... Mr China feels like needing a break and rest from everything too. He needs to runaway..........

Mr China had learnt independence and solitude, in fact , he embraces them and is proud of them , labeled them as his quailities. today he just felt a tinge for some company.... but nevertheless, he can swallow them down and start tomorrow the same, again............

Internal Conflcts.......... NOT ?

Mr China just gotten back to office where he is met with meetings and endless updates to give to various departments. There is an air of welcome around, he feels it, except from his supposedly mentor... NA.. just walked pass his office with a wave... something is not right......

Now Mr China is caught in 2 levels, he shld report to NA , then to the Director. But seems like NA doesnt think much of him and ignores most of his work and stuff, so he decides to report on most matters directly to the DI.

The problem Mr China faces is that DI is supportive of the cooperation with the Chinese party, while NA condemns them to the floor..... however..... his condemnation appears only infront of Mr China. Some weird shit. So Mr China has to entertain his 1hr speeches of hw the chinese sucks and we shld do it on our own......

Mr China doesnt think what he said was wrong, but the timing is awefully wrong and it doesnt make sense...... lets recap. NA was the inital contact to the chinese side 3 years ago. Meaning that they had cooperated near to 4 years , despite bad blood and poor results. So does it take so long before he realised that the other party sux? And if it did , why such a difference in attitude in a matter of 6mths?

Before the JV contract, NA was supportive of them, Mr China doubts he remembers them , selective amnesia they say..... while things that the NA say is never constant, always different from time to time.... NA assisted and single-handly ensure that the contract went thru, now he is also the 1st on the list to recommend a pull out.............. only in the face of Mr China......

Mr China wonders why..... ...... .... Everyday, without fail, NA walks into his office and bombarbs them non stop.... the TIMING and the Individual he picked this so so weird.......

Recently, NA even went to the chinese side's office , Mr China's terriority without letting him know. Heard he brought some customers there , for wat shit, i duno. But that really contradicts his opinion of them. Now he is helping them link up with potential customers when back in Base, he fucks them like mad. Mr China really doesnt understand what is happening.

During the meeting today. Mr China felt a stab, some back pain when DI said in a remark, NA told me that he feels that you are not doing anything at all. BIG FAT ZERO........ interesting NA is one big mystery... Seems like Mr China cant escape from this politic war and prepare to gun him down in a discussion. But NA is well seasoned fox. Not that easy to trap..........

Back......... the long awaited post....

Mr China is back in his home town, or more , his home country. To get back, he has to start a journey at 830am to reach back at HOME at around 11pm. Madness travelling. The worse of it was that he was being trapped with some energy-filled kid in a car that talked non-stop. It was a great feeling for Mr China to step out of the airport and took a breath of his hometown air. The feeling was rather not as dramatic as in the movies or like what he usually sees in the movies.

But it was a feeling of relief in him. Glad to be back in town and speakin the local dilect, getting a cab and returning back home in 15mins.... Something that Mr China hadnt been used to. A usual car ride to and fro an airport in China is usually measured in Hours, not Minutes.

Mr China was glad to meet all this family members, see his home, eat his mom's food, at least they are healthy and not those deep fried and salt laced meals he had in China..... relieved, gladness, happiness......

It has been a time to catch up with different groups of friend for Mr China. But time flies and its so sad that perhaps it will only be possible to meet up once with each group. Haiz.. seems as time flies, we "grew up" , load ourselves with responsibilities that we have no time for things that matter.

It seems a vicious cycle , the things that you crave so much for, the recognition and importance in work, its the very thing that you may wan to escape from , to gain time for other things. If we knew the ending, why would we still proceed in the path? Is it just to say done it and experienced it?

Mr China now feels rather difficult to return back...... it will be so so difficult to say bye to everyone again....